February 26, 2011

John

John, age 4
Pikeville, NC (1984)

I always felt different as a kid, but never knew why. I was described as "sweet, caring, loving, empathetic, artistic" - later realizing all those words were code for gay. I was the middle child of 5, with 2 older sisters and 2 younger sisters. My childhood was spent playing dress up and putting on impromptu fashion shows with my sisters. I always loved dolls and girly things, but knew it was wrong and was something to hide. And growing up a devout Mormon didn't help the matter.

When I was finally old enough to realize I was "a gay," I immediately turned to self loathing and entered a deep depression.

I prayed for God to change me, and tried to avoid thoughts of other guys. At 17, I realized I could not change who I am, nor could not 'pray the gay away.'

Not knowing there was a world out there that could accept me for who I was, I tried to take my own life.

I was admitted to the hospital and kept for two weeks in a mental ward. It was there that I came out to my first person. It was a therapist, who on the final day of my stay, came into my room and said she knew I was holding something back.

I burst into tears and said:
'I'm gay, and I think I'm going to hell.'


I was so hoping to hear from her what I felt in my heart, such as, "No, you are a good person, that's what counts. Your actions define who you are, not who you are attracted to." All I wanted was a little reassurance, some understanding and comfort. Instead she said, "Now is the time you should turn to God. Now is the time to pray." I smiled and nodded, but I knew she was wrong.

At that moment, I realized that any God who would condemn me for something I could not control, was no God of mine. I left the hospital renewed in my self worth. I was weeks from my 18th birthday, and finally felt like there was a chance for me to be happy. I came out to others, and each time regardless of their reaction, I came to accept myself a little more.

Today I am a 31-year old man with a bright life and a positive outlook. All my struggles have given me the character and strength to overcome obstacles that would easily derail others. I love myself and know that I am not defined by my sexual orientation. I am lucky enough to have a family who accepts me (now), and a sister who is also gay, and she's an inspiration to me.

I hope anyone reading this can realize that they are special and worthy of love, no matter who they are. Our world is changing for the better, and each new day gives me renewed hope for the future. Life is good, and it is definitely worth living, even when things seem the bleakest. So hang in there! It gets better!!!
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Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"

6 comments:

bfairbanks said...

John, thank you for telling your story. I'm sorry you had such a hard time growing up. It's ridiculous that someone who calls themselves a therapist would dispense such meaningless advice, just when you needed it the most, just when you needed someone to listen to you and really understand what you were going through.

S Kay Murphy said...

Oh, honey, so glad you're still with us! And happy to hear that you realized if "God" would condemn you, well, that's not a god who deserves your worship. Great story!! Keep telling it--there are so many adolescents who need to hear it right now!

Maggie said...

All of the stories on this blog are special, but yours brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad you were able to open up with that therapist and change your life. Thank you for sharing!

waltzingmtilda said...

Oh, this story breaks my heart, but I am so glad it has a happy ending! Thank you for your courage in sharing, and thanks for sticking around!

Tony Austin said...

WOW! - I live in Los Angeles and when I read your story I was thinking this must have taken place in the early 1960's for I couldn't believe how unprofessional that person you came out to in the hospital was. Instead it was in the middle 90's or so. One would think this country was more evolved than that but then again California did passed Prop 8 right?

I am still astonished though.

Dion said...

John, I can so relate. I remember the anxiety, pain, shame, misery, and self-loathing of knowing I was gay, growing up in a church family. I'm glad you got through.