September 08, 2013

Luke

Luke, age 5
Liverpool, Pennsylvania (1989)

For a long time, being gay wasn't even about me. I know it should have been, but being gay was about proving the jerks at school right, or possibly alienating or disappointing family. And, in a way, giving up power to every person I met who might find out and use it against me.


I can remember my first crushes being Christian Bale in "Newsies" and Neil Patrick Harris as Doogie Howser. I imagined what it would be like to go to high school in California, with the hopes they would date me.

And I remember the nights my mom and I snuck away to her office to watch TV shows my dad didn't watch. We both saw Ellen Degeneres stand in front of millions of people and say the words I could not. But I thought, 'God, if she can do that, surely some day I can at least say those words to my mom.' It would be another decade before that would happen.

Growing up in a small town - the only county in PA without a traffic light - wasn't exactly the most open-minded experience. And, despite my parents being among the most liberal adults in the county, being gay just wasn't an option.

It wasn't something I often saw hated-on publicly, but then again no one ever came out in my school or town. So it was more like gay people didn't exist, or shouldn't exist.

Yet, I didn't let that stop me. I always pursued being in the band, choir, and theatre - despite the association and being called "faggot, gay-bait, homo."

My only regret over the last 28 years, is how long I waited to be me. I spent the first quarter of my life victimizing myself by letting other people's opinions dictate who I was. Luckily, I stuck it out in the hopes it would get better. And it did!
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Editor's note:
Just as I was posting Luke's story, I noticed the visitor counter number!
So today's post is just 4,444,444 all of you! Thank you!!! :)


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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"


3 comments:

Anthony Murriano said...

Don't regret those 28 years. You make the best decisions with what you know at the time. You can out when it was right for you. Those 28 years made you who you are today.

Lynnette said...

Its clear something went wrong early on in these stories, as I read them. Whether born with the defiency, or if a problem occurred later, its clear to anyone Godly at least, that 2 same sex is not natural. Even atheists have to admit nature does not provide for same sex relationships, no producer of life. So, how do I address with love compassion and truth not compromised? That's my goal.

Paul V. said...

Lynette - NOTHING went wrong with any of these people, or ANY gay people. There is no "deficiency" - their sexuality is as normal and natural as yours is (which I assume is heterosexual). Humans are not solely here on this Earth to procreate, and heterosexuals have that covered. And if you believe in a God, that God created everyone for a reason and a purpose - even if it's different from yours.